A little faith…

By Gigi Taylor

Christmas. Yep, it’s one tough day to spend without your other half. You can ask anyone who’s had a loved one away from them for the holidays, it’s brutal. Well add a prison sentence to it, and that feeling now has been multiplied by 100. That’s the feeling of having a loved one incarcerated, even more so for those with longer sentences. The idea of waking up on Christmas morning, alone, can be earth shattering and leave you feeling like “something’s just missing here.” That’s what it was like for me today.

Happy couples everywhere, bundled up close in the colder weather. Children laughing and playing in the snow. All the holiday cheer…and I’m over here like “meh…I just wanna throw something at the TV to make it stop.” That’s what it is like for a prison wife, especially thisprison wife. Even though it was hard, there were a few things that made me snap out of it. I totally had a moment after watching a video a friend showed me on his phone about living life, and living it well. I also received my “Faith” necklace today as a Christmas gift, which gave me renewed hope for the future and strength to carry on. Both of these changed my perspective on how I was living today and other days when I get really blue.

The video a friend showed me today was titled, “The Last Lecture.” It was presented by a scientist, Dr. Randy Pausch, who was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. This video opened up my eyes about living each and every day to the fullest and finding a purpose in life. For some reason, this video just brought me to tears because the message is so special. What did I take from it in my current situation? That everyone makes mistakes; it’s how we deal with those mistakes that make us a better person…asking “What can I do to make it right?” which we often forget to do most of the time. Also, never giving up on the dream…to keep fighting and to keep pushing even though there maybe a wall up that I need to take down brick by brick, at least I will be one brick closer to my dream. I equated this to fighting for my Hubby Bear’s life. The world may see him as a monster, but I will never give up that dream of getting him off of death row. You may say, ‘well that’s a dream for him, not for you.’ Well, to that I say his dreams are my dreams, for we are in this together. I walk by his side through the good and the bad because to me, that is what marriage is. Lastly, I need to stop whining. Whining only gets me so far. I find my outlets to feel and let go of the emotions and anxiety, which is helpful, however, whining doesn’t get me anywhere. I need to be more productive than that for myself.

And next, the ‘faith’ necklace. I would like to think that the necklace and the video go hand-in-hand, for without faith, what keeps us going? What else will push us to the dream? I’ve always wanted a faith necklace, just because I know it’s so easy to give up. I know it’s easy to throw in the towel or throw my hands up and say, ‘ I just can’t do this anymore.’ But then this overwhelming sense of faith steps in. I wanted this cross as a Christmas gift as a reminder that I hold my spiritual faith and my faith in myself and other areas of my life dear. Nothing is guaranteed, but it’s the faith within ourselves that keeps us working towards a better day. Faith can move mountains, and I pray it can help me move mine: the mountains I have within myself and the mountains I have with my relationship with M.

So I received my faith necklace today, and without a doubt I felt a sense of security and strength just blanket right over me. I felt like I could walk this torturous path…like walking over the hot coals. I can use my faith in myself and my spirituality to move those mountains. How much a just a little faith do? I think just an ounce of faith can move that one brick down from the wall…the wall that stands between you and your dreams.

Merry Christmas y’all. Love and many blessings.