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Lifer Wife Mode

By Gigi Taylor

Up and down, up and down…this seems to be the roller coaster of emotions I am facing this week. Right now, all I can tell you is I feel like I am in a small room with the walls slowing closing in on me…kinda like that Jamiroquai video from like 1997 or something. I guess living as a prison wife, you never know how the day is going to end…you could be riding the high or scraping the lowest of the lows.

Believe it or not, today was actually a great day. My students were not acting like crazy hyenas, school meetings ran great, and I was able to leave work and come home to take the dogs for a walk. On top of that, M got to begin his preparation for some GED classes they were offering on death row today, so needless to say, today was really an epic day. Then it starts getting dark, you are on the phone with your man, and it hits you that he is not coming home. The state of Louisiana will never let him leave. You will be alone forever. How will you survive? etc. etc. etc…The dark clouds that move in over take the wonderful day you just had, and it feels like nothing can get those harsh, stormy thoughts out of your head.

And that really is the thing…sometimes there are not miracle cures, breathing techniques, or anything to get you out of this state of mind. It is so easy to be like, ‘but look at what you DO have.’ OK, Pollyanna…but I’m not in the mood for that right now. Yes, I am blessed beyond belief: I am an independent woman who can handle her stuff and is accomplished. I have a family that I love dearly and who love me some fierce. I have a man who cherishes me and would give anything to be with me right now. But nope… I just can’t seem to fight the clouds overhead.

Welcome to Lifer Wife Mode. It is just a day where nothing can shake you from the grips of knowing your loved one will never have a life with you apart from when you go behind barbed wire and concrete walls. It is a day where you know that any contact with your loved one is monitored, and you are in your 30’s and are treated like kinder gardeners. It is a day when you see every other Prison wife ranting about their 100 days left till he comes home on social media, and you just want to lift your middle finger to the screen in protest. When you see couples sitting at dinner not talking to each other, just staring into their phones, and you just want to shake the living snot out of them because they don’t realize what they have. Because you would give your pinky finger just for a chance to have dinner with your hubby.  It is a bitter world, filled with dark clouds that just stay put for the time being. No sweet words can take you off this stormy ride.

Tomorrow is a new day, and it may be filled with joy, blessings, and positive vibes. But right now, I am straight riding it out in Lifer Wife Mode…

 *  Gigi

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