By Gigi Taylor
“I am all alone.” This was one of the millions of thoughts I went to bed with as I slipped my head under the covers. I went through a rough patch last night and early this morning thinking to myself, “I don’t know if I can do this.” These thoughts plague me on weekly if not daily basis. As you know from my previous post, I suffer from anxiety. It’s easy to say, “Oh yea. it’s gonna be ok,” but in my case, sometimes it just straight up isn’t.
I will start off by saying that I’m not here to preach to anyone, and I respect all religions and belief systems. I just wanted to share my experience this morning. This time of the year, for any prison wife, can be brutal. It just hits me so hard for some reason. I kept thinking to myself last night and this morning, “You are going to be alone forever. He’s never coming home. You should give up. You can’t last like this,” along with a string of more negative verbiage.
I decided again I had to be the one to control these thoughts, so I went onto my Bible App and my Abide prayer/meditation App on my phone and read one of the plans/prayers about patience when dealing with God. As I was reading, I wanted to ask God for a sign to continue on my path to faithfulness, strength, and patience. I always have the feeling that God brought my Hubby Bear to me, and he blessed me with one of the most incredible men in the world. I know God has a purpose for me and I just want to understand it. I continued to pray that God help me understand that I have to put my faith into His/Her hands, and I continued to ask for signs that allow me to know I’m on the right direction. When I woke up this morning, I checked Facebook and I saw that Kim posted a video of a preacher with a couple about to get married. His key phrase was “I got you…I got you if you grow old and you don’t know who I am anymore. I got you if we have to visit our children in prison at Christmas. I got you if you have to get your breasts removed. I got you if we have to bury your parents….I got you. If you can’t do those things, then don’t bother with this girl.”
That’s what marriage is. Good and bad. Light and dark. Happy and sad. It was my sign to see that if I really believe I am married to M like I feel in my heart, I got him. I got him in those bad moments where we are missing each other like crazy. I got him with him being in the situation he is in on Death Row. I got him through the toughness of being apart on the holidays. I got him when the world thinks he’s a monster and doesn’t deserve to live. I got him. I got him even though I get uncomfortable in this situation. This love isn’t selfish, or a superficial ‘fish’ love, and if I can’t get him, then I shouldn’t even bother. For what is true love if you cannot love in the dark times?
As for praying/meditation, I highly recommend it to get through the tough times in this prison wife life. It helps to cope, regroup, and re-evaluate how we look at things. Everyone has different ways they cope with stress, but some things I can recommend are the Bible App by You Version, Abide – a Christian meditation and prayer App, and for those just looking for general meditation, breathing techniques, and yoga exercises: the Stop, Breathe, and Think App on iTunes. There are also guided meditation exercises one can try out on YouTube and other media outlets. These resources have been a lifesaver in some dark times, and I hope they can help someone out there. This life can be so hard sometimes, that it’s hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but there are resources out there that can help. Breathe, Pray, Meditate, Repeat.